


tears and lost volleyballs

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Depressed Miya Atsumu, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned sakuatsu, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Miya Osamu Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, please someone give osamu a hug, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28747656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: in which the loss of a brother cuts deep and the other is forced to live without him.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Miya Osamu, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 131
Collections: angst





	tears and lost volleyballs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [omimi_omi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/omimi_omi/gifts).



> miya osamu just needs a hug and his brother.

one year prior;

that morning, osamu had to wake up atsumu due to him almost being late. osamu sighed, making his older yet more irresponsible twin breakfast. atsumu rushed to get ready, throwing on his uniform and brushing his teeth. 

the two ate breakfast in silence, locking up the house and walking out of the door together. as they walked down their street they met up with their good friend, suna rintaro. osamu smiled at him, sliding his hand into the taller boys. atsumu had nodded in his direction, acknowledging his presence. atsumu continued to walk ahead as suna and his little brother talked. he was glad his brother found someone he could depend on. 

six months prior;

on the court, osamu and atsumu were a force to be reckoned with. the duo had made a name for themselves on and off the court. 

atsumu had gotten into volleyball before osamu had, seeing it once on tv when he was young and instantly falling in love with it. their father had always told atsumu he was a natural, that he could go pro guaranteed if he practiced enough. for as long as he remembered, atsumu has wanted to go pro. now his brother osamu didn't share that dream with him despite how much atsumu wanted them to play on the national japan team together. osamu wanted to open his own onigiri shop, called onigiri miya. 

when atsumu and osamu reached middle school, atsumu joined his first team. his experience with that team isn't one he'd like to remember. he was bullied, outcasted, even harassed by his fellow teammates. he had almost lost all joy in volleyball. osamu had noticed how a volleyball was no longer attached to his brothers hand at all times, growing concerned. 

"teach me to play atsumu!" osamu smiled at his twin, picking up the discarded volleyball that was on the floor. osamu could have sworn he saw the light return to atsumu's face, his eyes growing wide. "REALLY? OKAY!" atsumu shouted, grabbing his brothers hand and pulling him to their backyard. osamu got atsumu back.

two months prior;

in january, when the school was going on break, the boys had discussed what they had planned on doing. 

"practicing volleyball, duh!" atsumu had stated like it was obvious. osamu groaned from the top bunk. "you always play volleyball!" osamu told him, flipping himself around to swing his head down to look at the blonde. atsumu just laughed, swiping his nose. "so what? you always cook and you don't see me complaining!". osamu rolled his eyes and shoved atsumu's hand away. "that's because you get to eat everything i make!". both boys fell over in laughter. 

osamu had missed the way his brother laughed. he seemed to grow more and more quiet as the months had passed. i mean, their parents had been fighting a lot, could that have been the cause? 

osamu wasn't sure, he knew atsumu had a boyfriend he was happy with, and he loved volleyball. atsumu could play volleyball all day, osamu didn't know how he did it. practice was tiring enough as it is, osamu really only played for his brother, it made him happy that he played so osamu didn't mind playing with him. when atsumu had asked osamu to join a team with him, he was shocked. osamu never saw himself playing anywhere besides their backyard, but he'd do anything for atsumu. 

one month prior; 

in early march, sakusa had broken up with atsumu. rumors had gone around about atsumu cheating on sakusa, and unfortunately sakusa believed them. osamu had offered to beat up sakusa for atsumu, but atsumu had just told his twin not to bother, for it was atsumu's fault. 

osamu didn't see how it was, sakusa was the one who had broken up with atsumu over some silly rumor. when osamu had heard atsumu cry himself to sleep, night after night, he finally had enough. most nights, osamu would crawl down from his bed, sliding in next to atsumu and holding his hand until he stopped crying. 

osamu wasn't good at affection, but he loved his brother more than anyone. he didn't like seeing atsumu so upset about some boy who didn't deserve him, but osamu didn't know how to communicate that. so he laid there, holding his hand every night, until the sobs turned to quiet tears. neither of them ever got much sleep after that, but osamu didn't mind, he'd do anything for atsumu, anything.

one week prior;

the week of back to school, everything had been hectic. atsumu refused to go to school, leading osamu dragging him out of bed by his feet, picking out his uniform for him. 

atsumu had gotten ready in the end, every day. moving slower than a slug. his eyes had dark circles under them, his actual eyes red from tears. the rumors had continued, most people texting atsumu to kill himself, telling him he was a terrible person for what he did to someone like sakusa kiyoomi. atsumu didn't know what to do, he couldn't just tell osamu, he would probably go to jail for murdering someone in all honesty. so atsumu continued to get ready, keeping his head down, movements slow. 

the concern only grew more from osamu when atsumu wouldn't show up to practice anymore. osamu had rushed home after practice that friday afternoon, only to find the house empty. osamu had called his mother, father and grandfather, asking if they had seen atsumu. 

and when osamu had finally find atsumu in the park, sitting on a rock near some water, he had hugged him. hugged him so tight he refused to let go. atsumu had sobbed in his arms that evening, holding the arms around him, desperately searching for some comfort that never came. 

the night before;

late in the night, osamu was awoken to atsumu crawling into his bed. osamu had yawned. "what time is it 'tsumu?" he had asked, rubbing his eyes and leaning up to look at their wall clock. '2:10 am.' osamu sighed, before laying back down. 

atsumu had slid in next to him, wrapping his arms around his twin, laying his head on his chest. osamu looked down concerned. atsumu was never cuddly, is he okay? osamu ran his hands through atsumu's blonde locks, slowly and softly, just the way he liked. "are you okay 'tsum?" he asked, still rubbing his head. atsumu stilled for a moment, his breathing slowing down and osamu almost thought he had fell asleep. "no, not right now, but i will be soon." he whispered into osamu's chest, eyes closing. osamu nodded slowly. "well that's good, you promise you're gunna be okay soon?" he asked again, making sure the boy was for sure okay. atsumu just nodded, lifting his head up to smile at his brother. "yeah i'm okay, i love you osamu, never forget that". osamu looked at him weirdly, but smiled nonetheless. he placed a hand on atsumu's hair, ruffling it. "i love you too, tsum, always". 

osamu had fallen asleep shortly after that, atsumu staying awake to get the last few moments he could with his brother, he wasn't sure if he was ready to say goodbye yet. 

the morning after;

their dad had been the one to find atsumu the next morning, quickly calling 911 and making their mother take osamu out of the house as fast as she could. osamu was confused, why was he being rushed out of the house? why were the police there? why was there an ambulance, did atsumu get hurt? a million thoughts were racing through his head, but only one remained when he saw a gurney being rolled out, a black cover over it. atsumu is hurt. osamu looked to his mother, to see tears streaming down her face. he has to be okay right? he is fine, atsumu is fine, there's someone else under there, not atsumu, this was all just a cruel prank that the world was playing on osamu.

osamu had froze, when he saw a lock of blonde hair sticking out, the same blonde hair he was touching last night, the same blonde hair that was tickling his nose as he slept. 

osamu screamed, he screamed, fell to his knees and screamed. nothing could stop his screaming, he had sobbed and screamed and choked for air for what felt like hours, he doesn't even remember waking up in suna's room, but he assumes he passed out because he can hear his parents talking in hushed tones in the other room. 

"do you know how he did it?" he heard mrs.rintaro ask, her voice laced with pain. osamu heard his mother sob quietly. "he hit a vein, it caused him to lose too much blood." his father had spoke, his voice sounding like it was breaking. "was there a note? do you know why he did it?". a sigh was heard. "the only note that was left was for osamu, but we're not letting him read it". 

osamu slid down the door, tears streaming down his face, hand covering his mouth as he tried not to let out any sobs. 

he would never see atsumu, ever again. he was gone.

osamu sobbed, so hard he thought his eyes were going to run out of tears. osamu must be bad at keeping quiet, because he felt the door against his back open and then he was being pulled into someone's lap. they smelled like suna, was it suna? osamu didn't care, he wanted atsumu, to hold atsumu, to hug him, to feel his skin against his one last time, he wanted his brother, he wanted his best friend to be the one holding him, but for now, osamu's boyfriend would have to suffice. 

"it's okay baby, i'm right here, i'm right here." suna had spoke, but osamu could barely hear it, he sobbed harder, squeezing suna so tight, suna thought he might pass out but he didn't mind, he let osamu hug him as tight as he needed too, let osamu cry and let everything out, because suna was crying too, he loved atsumu as well, that was one of his teammates, his best friends, they were childhood friends, he can't imagine not having atsumu here. 

suna felt horrible, extreme guilt for the boy sitting in his lap right now, he wanted to take all of his pain and make it his, if it meant making osamu feel better. 

suna had let osamu cry until he fell asleep, and even after he fell asleep suna didn't move, he wasn't going anywhere for a long time. 

one week after;

one week later, they had a funeral. osamu's mother and father had asked if he wanted to say a few words, but all the words he wanted to say couldn't be spoken. osamu wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to speak them, they were too hard to get out. 

the service was beautiful though, osamu and atsumu's entire volleyball team was there, sitting right behind osamu, suna holding his hand the entire time. 

osamu had been the last person to place the white rose on atsumu's casket, standing in front of it, unmoving. osamu had placed his hand over the top of it, sobbing silently. he had so much to say, so much to do with him, and no time left to do it. how was he supposed to deal with that? maybe if he had told atsumu he loved him more, or if he had stopped those rumors from getting worse. 

osamu doesn't understand, atsumu always seemed so happy, he was always smiling, how come he didn't know? how come atsumu didn't tell him? it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all. atsumu left him all alone, why would he leave him? osamu sobbed harder, laying his head down on the casket. his parents had come behind him, rubbing his back gently. 

"i want 'tsumu, i want tsumu." osamu wailed, those being the first words he had spoken since the night atsumu slept in his bed. 

one month after;

osamu had finally stepped into his and atsumu's shared room for the first time in over a month. his first two steps had been shaky. everything is the same, almost like he's still here. osamu noticed all of atsumu's clothes in the corner that osamu had nagged him to put away for a week solid. osamu hummed at the memory. 

he walked towards the stack of clothes, picking up a hoodie that was left on a chair. bringing it up to his nose, being overwhelmed with the smell of atsumu. osamu smiled, tears streaming down his face. it still smells like him. osamu held the hoodie close to him, hugging it as he walked around the room, finally reaching the bunk bed in the corner. osamu looked at his bed, reminding him of that night. his last night with atsumu. 

osamu sat down on atsumu's bed, taking his favorite purple blanket and wrapping himself up in it. he was surrounded by atsumu, even if he wasn't there. 

osamu let himself cry for the first time since the funeral. 

six months after;

six months later, their parents had finally allowed osamu to read the note atsumu left for him. osamu cried, wrapped up in the purple blanket that no longer smelt of atsumu but of osamu and a hint of atsumu's cologne that he had sprayed sparingly. osamu read the note word for word. 

osamu,

i didn't do this to hurt you. that was never my intention. i know i can't ask you not to cry, because you will, you always have been a crier. osamu, i love you. i always have, you're the best brother i ever could have asked for and nothing i did was because of you, samu. 

none of this was your fault so please don't blame yourself. please don't blame yourself for any of it. this was all me. i know you're going to be sad, then mad, you will probably call me selfish, as you always have. but i want you to know that i love you. 

i was hurting, really bad, there's nothing you could have done to fix that, no one could have. tonight, when i laid with you, i almost second guessed my decision, but i already made my plan. the pain was too much for me, i couldn't take it anymore. with the rumors and the bullying and kiyoomi leaving me, it just got to be too much. i'm sorry i left like this, i'm sorry i am being selfish. but i'm happy now, i don't have to worry about anything. 

i know i'm leaving you all alone, but you have a whole world out there waiting for you, whether it's in volleyball or starting your own shop called 'onigiri miya'. i will be right here, watching you, cheering you on from the sidelines. from the bench. i think everyone needs a break once in awhile, it's my turn to sit on the bench. 

osamu paused to wipe his eyes, laughing a little at his brothers stupid word choice. he missed him so much. 

osamu, you keep playing. while i sit on the bench, please keep playing, i need you too, you are so strong. you're stronger then you possibly know. i am so proud of you, you're so so amazing osamu. you have so many amazing people around to support you, and even though i'm not right there to tell you, i'll always be around somehow. 

this will never be goodbye, because i never will be able to say goodbye to you, you are not someone people can say goodbye too. so this will be a see you later, one day, when it's time, we will see each other again, but for now, we will wait till then. 

i love you so much osamu, never forget that.  
(ps, please make me some onigiri in the afterlife one day, i'm going to miss it).

atsumu. 

that night, osamu slept in atsumu's bed, imagining atsumu was right there with him. 

one year after;

in osamu's third and final year of school, he had decided to continue playing volleyball with him and suna as captain and co-captain. 

he wasn't as passionate about it as atsumu was, but now he has a new reason to play, instead of playing with atsumu, he's playing for him. it hurt at first, to step back onto the court without his brother right behind him, but he did it. suna was his biggest supporter, making sure he was okay, making sure he got everything he needed. 

the newer players were amazing as well, they understood completely why osamu was the way he was about volleyball, and why sometimes he had to walk away and suna would take over. he couldn't have asked for better first years. 

after months of training, and making sure they were ready to go, osamu had finally been ready for their first game, his first game without atsumu. 

during the first game of the season, they had all lined up, waiting for their names and jersey numbers to be called before they had entered the court. 

osamu wondered what his world would be like if atsumu was standing next to him in line, waiting for his number and name to be called. atsumu definitely would be captain, not osamu. osamu always thought atsumu would become captain one day, even in the pro league. 

osamu didn't plan on continuing volleyball after this, he never saw a future in it before. he couldn't understand why atsumu had loved volleyball so much, but now he understands. 

"MIYA OSAMU, NUMBER SEVEN".

osamu, didn't plan on going pro, not as number eleven anyways, he planned on going pro as number seven, for atsumu. he would do anything for atsumu.


End file.
